


I Don't Care if the World Knows What My Secrets Are

by thatfangirlingfreak



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Hatred, based off of Mary Lambert's song Secrets, i just kinda wrote, idek about the ending, insecure Luke and Cal, libraries woo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2480648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatfangirlingfreak/pseuds/thatfangirlingfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum writes down his secrets. Luke finds them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Care if the World Knows What My Secrets Are

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know either guys tbh

Luke wandered aimlessly through shelves and shelves of books.

He's always loved reading and writing. Words meant everything to him, which is why he spent most of his free time in the library. Being surrounded by all that wisdom made Luke feel comforted.

And then he reached his favorite section of the library, the young adult fiction.

Say what you want about the genre, but Luke had a passion for it. Romance, dystopian, supernatural beings; anything and everything was here. Luke adored reading about young people who were capable of so much. It kinda gave him inspiration, in a way.

He'd practically memorized all the titles here, so he was startled to find something new in this section.

There was a small, black book behind one of Luke's all-time favorites, Fangirl. (I love Rainbow Rowell so much you don't even know)

It looked like one of those diaries you'd buy at a bookstore, except it was a bit more on the bland side.

Luke opened the book. No name was inside the cover, unfortunately; however, most of the pages were filled with words.

Luke, being such an avid reader and highly curious of this new book, began to read.

_Dear reader,_

_Although I doubt anyone will find this, hello. If you have discovered this notebook, I congratulate you. However, I'm not the best writer and I'm probably gonna sound like a fucking prick, so I don't blame you if you throw this in a pit of fire. Maybe it would be better that way._

_But fuck it, I'm so sick of everything._

_Okay, so let me begin my story._

_When I was younger, I was always told that I had to do this or that to my appearance or personality because no one would like me if acted the way I did, or looked like the way I looked._

_This made me become a very self-conscious person, always afraid that the smallest thing I did would screw everything up._

_And when I got older I had self-hatred. I still do, so don't be surprised if you find traces of it in here._

Luke could empathize with this person. He had always hated himself, and it had a big effect on his attitude. He never had friends or relationships, solely because he felt that he was too odd looking, or was too peculiar.

And there was nothing he could do about these thoughts.

_No one ever understands me. I tell people repeatedly about my issues, but they say I'm being silly and that I'm perfectly fine the way I am._

_I'm not._

_After a while, people stopped listening to me. They passed my behavior off as an excuse, or just complaints. So that's why I'm writing. Paper is the only one who'll listen._

_And honestly, I'm sick of feeling like shit. I'm sick of keeping all the things I hate about myself bottled up inside me. I don't give a fuck anymore._

_I've tried to make myself a different person, but it's not worth it. So reader, here's all my secrets I've kept hidden. I thought no one would like me if I revealed them, but who gives a fuck about what idiots think?_

_So here we go, a list of secrets:_

_I'm really fucking gay_

_Luke smiled slightly. The feeling was mutual._

_-I'm afraid of getting murdered and that everyone I love will die_   
_-I hate my nose because of bullies in my first grade class_   
_-I question my existence more often than I should_   
_-I'm lonely but I'm afraid that people will hate me_   
_-I hate horror movies_   
_-Romance novels are my guilty pleasure_

_Yeah, I don't know what else to write. I'll add more to this list later._

_However, if you are reading this, feel free to make your own list. It'd be comforting to know that someone else feels the same, but you don't have to. I don't know._

Luke frowned. There wasn't a name at the end.

He took a pen out of his pocket and began writing.

\-----

Calum headed towards the young adult section.

He was planning on adding more to his list of secrets. Even if no one would read it, it was nice to get all his thoughts out.  
However, when he finally pulled out the black book, Calum was met with a surprise.

_Dear stranger,_

_Hello. I'd put my name in here, but you didn't put yours. Kind of a shame, too, we relate a lot. I would like to know more of your secrets._

_But you didn't put your name, and you told me to list my secrets. So that's what I'm here to do._

_-I'm really gay too_

Calum grinned.

- _The book you put this notebook behind is one of my favorites_

He looked at the book. Fangirl was one of his favorites as well.

 _-I'm a pretty anxious person_  
-I think I'm fat even though people say I'm not  
-I'm scared of eerie silences (idk)  
-I'm depressed and lonely too  
-I'm too afraid to commit suicide, or cut myself

_I hoped I helped a bit. I wish we could talk this out, but no name..._

_Just kidding. I am very determined to find you though, stranger._

_-The unknown reader_

Calum smirked and grabbed his blue pen from his backpack.

\-----

Luke wound up in his favorite section, again.

Okay, so maybe he was looking for the notebook. But he couldn't help himself.

When he opened it, he saw a new entry. Filled with anxiety, Luke began to read.

_Dear person,_

_Well, well, well. Someone actually found this. I'm not going to put my name in here, you'll just have to find me._

Luke groaned internally.

_But I'm glad you agree with me. Someone understands._

_In response to your secrets, I'm glad that you're a fellow homosexual. Fangirl is very excellent, I love it. I'm glad you don't cut yourself, that's very strong of you._

_My turn for more secrets I guess:_

_-I want to meet you_  
-I didn't give you my name because I've got to give you a reason to keep reading  
-I'm not a virgin  
-I've been through depression too  
-I hate most romantic movies  
-My lips are too big

_Your turn, stranger._

Luke clicked his black pen.

\-----

Calum rushed to the library.

He was looking forward to the other person's response. It was all he could think about.

However, when he reached the young adult section, he was greeted with a surprise.

It was the other person.

He was blonde, his hair was in a perfect quiff that Calum wanted to run his fingers through. His legs were really fucking long, and he was writing in the book. The stranger was not fat at all, despite his beliefs.

Calum was frozen into place for a good five seconds. The other boy was so focused on his writing that he hadn't noticed Calum.

"I-it's you. Oh my god, it's you," Calum whispered.

"I'm sorry?" The other boy looked up at him from his spot on the floor, and Calum almost passed out from his brilliant blue eyes. How the fuck did this boy hate himself?

"You're the reader. I'm the writer."

The boy looked taken aback. His jaw dropped slightly.

"You-you're-you're so gorgeous," The blonde boy stuttered out, and immediately turned red. It was really cute.

"Sorry! I'm so sorry, you probably don't think that of yourself, and I'm just making things worse..."

"Oh no! No, it's fine. You're really gorgeous."

"Thanks," He said, softly. Calum peered over his shoulder to see what he was writing.

"You're so cute when you're awkward, though!" Calum said, seeing that the boy had written about how he was extremely awkward.

"Pfft, you may think that, but it's kind of painful when you're the awkward one."

"I'm Calum. You know my name now."

"I'm Luke."

"Hi Luke. You're not fat, by the way. You're perfect."

Luke giggled. "Hey Calum. Your nose is absolutely adorable. And your lips are perfect." He proceeded to tap Calum on the nose.

"This is weird. I like it."

"We kind of know everything about each other, but this is the first time we've met. Yeah, it's weird."

"So..."

"So."

"You're really pretty, Luke."

"So are you."

"Why do you hate yourself so much?" They asked one another at the same time, making both boys laugh lightly.

"Stupid people made me hate myself," Calum replied. Luke nodded, and squeezed his hand.

"My brain made me hate myself," Luke said.

Calum looked him in the eyes. "Well, it's my mission to tell you how much I love you."

Luke laughed. "We've only just met, how do you know you love me?"

"I can already feel myself falling."

"Are you indirectly telling me that you love me?"

"Pretty much."

"Wait until you get to know me," Luke muttered.

"I can't wait, actually. I just hope you're ready for me to fall completely in love with you."  
"I just hope that you won't suddenly decide to hate me, like everyone else in my life."

"I could never hate my reader."

Luke smiled.

"Wanna grab lunch together?"

"Yes. You can't write on an empty stomach," Luke said gesturing towards the notebook.

Calum grinned. For the first time in a long time, he was content.

\-----

_Ding dong._

"Hi Ash," Luke greeted, opening the apartment door wide.

"So where's your boyfriend? C'mon, I need to give approval!" His best friend said. Ashton lived quite far away, so he was the only one who hadn't met Calum yet in the small circle of people that Luke loved.

"He's right here," Calum announced, wrapping an arm around Luke's waist and kissing the top of his head.

"Eww, you guys are disgustingly cute."

Luke giggled and let Ashton in.

The three chatted for a while, before Ashton noticed the black notebook on the coffee table.

"What's with the notebook? There aren't any others in the house, just this one. Is it special or something?"

"Yeah it is. It's filled with secrets," Calum replied.

Luke grinned and snuggled into his boyfriend's side.

"Okay, I'm not gonna ask any further. God, you guys make it sound like it's a kink or something."

"It's not for sexual reasons, Ash!" Luke exclaimed, embarrassed.

"Okay, okay. I don't judge!"

The three boys laughed, and Luke felt like he could stay like this forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow look at that bad ending. But hey I finally wrote Ash into a story fucking bonus points bitches


End file.
